Christmas Contest Entry: S.W.A.T. To The Rescue by Bartman

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Christmas Contest Entry: S.W.A.T. To The Rescue by Bartman

Bartman
Contest Entry ID: 10948

 “Santa captured…? Christmas massacre…?” The Closer’s words weighed heavy on Bartman’s heart.

"I’ve never been one of Santa’s favorites; in fact, I’ve landed on the naughty list more than a few times. But even I realize how devastating this will be for the world, if Santa isn’t found quickly. And my fear is that the rest of the 5th Precinct is looking in all the wrong places."

"Where would I hide Santa if I was his arch nemisis – Krampus? Where would I hide the cheeriest person the world has ever known? Where he couldn’t be affected by random showers of morphons? Cheeriest person…? Cheeriest… I’ve got it! I would hide him in the SADDEST place on earth. That’s it!"

“Alexa print me a list of the saddest places on earth?”

“Printing a list of the 10 saddest places on earth.”

1. Depression Pond, Dover, US
2. Misery Bay, Michigan
3. Gloomy Lake, ON Canada
4. Mistake Island, Jonesport, U.S
5. Little Hope, Texas
6. Cape Disappointment Lighthouse, Washington U.S
7. Despair Island, Rhode Island
8. Misery, France
9. Sorrow Islands, British Columbia, Canada
10. Disappointment Island, New Zealand

Bartman examined the list closely as he sipped a tall glass of iced milk. The frequent flyer miles are really going to add up if I have to travel to all of these locations. There’s no way The Closer is going to sign off on that. He’s tighter than a Baptist minister's wife's girdle at an all you can eat pancake breakfast. He quickly glanced over the list again and then froze. It’s not there! It’s not on the list!

"What was it that my friend Buddy the Elf said after getting smacked around by that short little guy Miles Finch? 'He must be a South Pole elf.' If Krampus were to have a horde of minions to do his dastardly bidding, it would be nasty, mean South Pole elves."

“Alexa? Mobilize S.W.A.T. and tell them to dress warmly. We’re storming the South Pole!”

--------------------

It’s a ragtag crew, but they’re as loyal and skilled a group of soldiers anyone could have to go into battle. Blood brothers… friends: Timebender, Captain Aim Eric Ah, Necromaniac, Master Ron, Major Jimjim, and Dr. Faust.

(Several hours later) “Take us in low Captain E.  We don’t want to give away the element of surprise."

“Right-O Bartman! Closing in on coordinates 90°S 0°…. Whoa! Would ya look at that1?!”

They couldn’t believe their eyes. Before them, right smack dab in the center of the southern hemisphere stood a monolith of ominous darkness, black and evil. It made the hair stand on Major Ron’s neck.

“On your guard S.W.A.T. It could get uglyyyyyy…” All of a sudden. the airship jolted and went dead.

“We’ve lost power. We’re goin’ down. Brace for impact!”

Captain E. managed to skid the airship to a stop without rolling her over. The crew and ship took minimal damage, but there was no time to even shake the cobwebs - for out of the darkness streamed a devilish horde of South Pole elves, screaming and angrily gnashing their teeth.
 
Necromaniac: “Forgive me for stating the obvious, but these critters are not happy to see us and we are woefully outnumbered.”

Not wasting a precious nanosecond, Bartman forged a plan of attack. “Quick Timbender can you use your Mental Assault power to link the squad together?”

“Sure Bart – activating.” Timebender’s head enlarged until it looked like it would burst, but in an instant S.W.A.T. was ONE. And in the pristine moment of unified mental clarity Bartman’s order rang out, “S.W.A.T. employ Laughing Gas!”
 
A misty fog began to appear in the frosty air which soon formed into a thick cloud protectively surrounding the heroes and then becoming an all-consuming force spreading out in all directions. Soon it engulfed the charging wretches who began coughing, gagging and choking and then soon giggling, chuckling and laughing uncontrollably. They were in agony, but appeared to be enjoying every second of it. Many passed out from laughter, the rest retreated in embarrassment.

“It worked! They’re tucking their little elf tails between their legs and skittering away,” exclaimed a jubilant Major Jimjim. “Way to go Team!”

“But what are we going to do with that?” staring at the mountain of blackness before them.

“Good question, Ron, but look it appears to have diminished a tad in the joyful revelry,” astutely observed Dr. Faust.

“You’re right Doc! Do you think Santa could be in there?” Timebender queried.

“I do, mate. And if my Christmas Hero and mentor Buddy taught me anything, it’s that ‘The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.’ Alexa…? S.W.A.T…? Christmas Carol Protocol!” commanded Bartman.

Boom! It was as if a “heavenly host” on steroids suddenly appeared as the airship morphed into the biggest 80's boom box you’ve ever seen and filled the air with a rockin’ beat the likes of an AC/DC resurrection and S.W.A.T., channeling Bruce Springsteen, in unison began to sing.

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

(The air began to warm)

He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

(The ground began to quake)

He sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness…

The oxygen seemed to get swallowed up… everything went silent… and next… an explosion - that knocked the heroes right on their keisters! When the smoke cleared, the darkness was gone. All that was left was a little pile of red, some white fur. a black leather belt and a pair of boots.

Out of the silence though, came a low almost imperceptible “Ho…ho…ohhhhh”

“Doc, He’s still alive. Quick, get him one of those morphon booster cookies you baked in your lab. Capt. fire up the airship. We’ve got to get Santa back to headquarters. There’s still hope for the world.”
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Re: Christmas Contest Entry: S.W.A.T. To The Rescue by Bartman

TheCloser
Very nice! Win by karaoke!