In dark of night, I sat in Bath of bubbles, Over a drained bottle of wine so red-
While I washed, gently scrubbing, suddenly a bubble rose,
As if someone was slowly farting, farting in my bath of dread.
"Tis my own flatulence," I muttered, "bubbling in my bath-
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, I remember the tacos of a few hours before;
And each one layered with beans and more.
Eagerly I inhaled them down;-vainly I had sought no dribble
But from my mouth the beans had fallen to the floor.
For I rarely eat with gusto, but tonight I did implore
To eat them before they fell, falling to the floor.
And yet no smell did issue forth, the bubbling gas under bubble bath
I worry-worried that I was perhaps sick, sick of taco or more.
So now I calmed my senseless worry, calmed it with rational thought
"Twas just the beans and nothing more;-
Some great beans that filled the taco core
That is all and nothing more."
Presently, I stilled my fear; knowing finally what bubbled
up from depths of tub and water; depths of stomach intestines sore.
But the fact is I was not farting, no bubble from my butt escaped
And so slowly did the bubble pop, popping as if it were a chore
That I scarce was sure it came from below-and so I moved the bubbles more
there was the drain; and nothing more.
Deep into that water I peered, seeking long to see the source
Doubting, dreaming that some bubble monster bore
Then the bubbles broke, the surface woke
And continued coming forth with no source.
Then I whispered, I echoed my earlier sentiment, "Fart!"-
Merely this and nothing more.
To my bathtub faucet turning, all my shame deeply burning,
Soon I saw the bubbles, bubbling all the more.
"Surely," said I, "surely perhaps some massage feature turning;
One I had forgot I had implore-
Let me find some knob or reason, for this bubbling treason;-
Or tis a fart and nothing more!"
Open here I pulled the plug, when, circling about like a tug,
A yellow Rubber duck to float, one I had not seen before;
Not one that I owned before, not one that I had purchased previous;
And upon its head a plume of purple, a shock of hair, dry to the core-
It ran aground of my knee, slowly being exposed in the dwindling Water
Ran aground and nothing more.
Then this duck caused me to smile, for so silly was the hair it wore,
"Though the rest be rubber and hard," I said, "Thou are no turd,
Funny was my mind did wonder from before-
How could I have missed you here in bath?"
Quacked the Duck "Nevermore."
I stared in marvel, and slow stunned silence,
How did a duck of rubber that had so plainly bore;
Reply with words so plainly tease
One that I had not touch or squeeze
Oh horror coalesced upon my brow, as slowly the dawning did arrive
The Duck lived, nevermore.
Surely it was some demonic mallard, driven up from Hell
Surely it came to drag me under, deep to the watery grave below,
Nothing farther that he uttered, simply sat upon my knee and fluttered,
His wings of rubber flapped with no care
So uncaring of my growing terror, so uncaring of my farting error
He fluttered gently and quacked, "Nevermore."
I startled at his bold excuse, for did he state no farts remain?
Did he mean that no more gas would outpour?
Would I ever relieve my burden,
My intestinal bowels never again pass the gas of lunches past?
Quacked the Duck, "Nevermore."
Oh foul mallard of inner reflection, fowl of rubber and purple hair
"Doubtless," said I, "what a silly notion, that I will not take stock or store,
That I could never again relieve the pressures I bore
That I could never relieve the burden within I bore-
That I would never fart into the tub, the pool, or simple fart
But the demon duck sat quietly watching, fixing me with three eyes and smiling
I kicked at once with my feet, unbalancing it from my knee, its shore
Then, it flung and drifted easily,
Upon the faucet handle it landed and stared,
Staring deep into my soul and stomach, driving mad my inner turmoil
In dread I realized, a fart had formed.
Deep within my systems, flatulence was rising, moving
Urging utterance from my butt now sore
For sitting so long at the duck I had been staring,
The time had passed and now I was wary
That now my bottom had fallen asleep, and tingled with pain
Tingled with pain and bloating core.
"Oh No," I thought, with growing distress, surely now it did impress
That now I would have to pass the gas I felt deep within the core.
"Wretch," I cried, "Thy timing is off, for now I must indeed let forth
The very thing you claim I can release ever more?
Quack to me your change of heart. Tell me I am safe to fart!"
Quacked the Duck "Nevermore."
"LIAR!", said I, "Thing of evil and deception, if bird or devil!-
Whether blocker of flatulence, or false witness, I implore,
In this bathroom of mine you land
In this my home of simple shores
Is there no way that I may pass the gas within my core?"
Quack the Duck "Nevermore."
"LIAR!", I shouted. "Thing of evil and deception, if bird or devil!-
Lies and deceit are your only command, lies that tear my stomach more-
Tell me truth and leave me be
Tell me truth and nothing more-
Or I shall grasp thee by thy lying beak, and rip it from your head to seek
Or shall I fart again, shall I fart ever more?"
The duck it gazed with eyes of three, it blinked and waited as if to see
Would I try to grab at the demon? How would my strength allow such score?
I launched upon the fowl demon duck
My hands grasped its hair to pluck
I ripped the strands from its head, the devil fowl screamed curses and more
Its last word "Never... More..."
I ran to the toilet and sat with haste,
The gurgling from my stomach churned, the pressure within my ass did roar-
I pushed with all my muscles tight
Screaming long into the night
Until I passed out from pain and fear, passed that immortal plane
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